Friday, March 27, 2009

Blast from the past

What to do when you've survived a long exhausting day, come home to three sick and high-maintenance family members, juggled the dinner-bath-bed routine, done some minor cleanup and laundry duties and then find you can't sleep in spite of your exhaustion? Simple. Pour yourself a rum and root beer (in the absence of whiskey) and park yourself in front of the computer to peruse vintage sexist ads. It's a restorative to treat any feminine ailment.

The best of the best:

Nancy used to feel uncomfortable when people stared at her titties while speaking to her or leered at her ass from behind, but with Pacatal, she takes it all in with a smile.

Watch Clara: she's always trying to stash her meds in her "secret place." If there's anything we don't need up in here, it's women hiding meds in their "secret places."

Phenergan is great for inducing a light sleep in obstetric situations. 'Cause you don't need to be awake for the birth of your child.

I feel so much better now that I don't have to drink excessively in order to tolerate the only career my culture allowed me to pursue and for which I am poorly suited.

These fucking pearls are cutting off the blood supply to my brain, but if you prefer to see it as anger disguised as charm I'll take your fucking pills already.

At least when you're at home you get to wear really tight, uncomfortable shoes that give your feet muffin top.

We're also glad that she's not miserable and puking anymore, but mainly we developed this drug so she would cook breakfast for you throughout the pregnancy.

'Cause the last we thing we need up in here is a bunch of excited women.

Thoradex: it allows you to resume staring at flower arrangements with a blank but pleasant expression for hours on end.

Thoradex: for those who enjoy posing like one of the Bronte sisters, but have been feeling too anxious and depressed to do so.

First I thought the divorce was my biggest problem, but then I realized how fucked up my eyes are. I'll take whatever pills you've got.

It's of utmost importance that the fatties among us understand that they're not happy. Let's make sure they're aware of that.

The idea that fatties are happy is a fallacious myth propagated by this guy, whoever he is. Also, how did he learn to balance on a teeter-totter type scale thingy like that?

Relax, Doris. The Ritalin will help you deal with both the depression and my inappropriate physical contact. You'll see.

I'm warning you Ethel, if you don't stop screaming about my alleged infidelities I'm going to have to administer a fast-acting hypnotic barbituate, and I don't think either one of us wants that.

Actually, if you'll give me some Valium, I think I can learn to be OK with my universe orbiting around doctors.

Newsflash: woman comes out of the dark to reveal her perky but strangely placed breasts.

Benzedrine: it helps alleviate the psychomotor retardation experienced during the menopause.

Taking Milprem allows you to continue drinking tea and looking vaguely like the Queen of England even during the menopause.

Dexamyl will supply you with fortitude, help you see your life in persepctive, decrease your appetite, and increase your spirituality. Side effects include dry mouth.

There's the brink of insanity, and then there is the abyss...

Poor Jan, suffering from unmarrieditis. Hey wait. I'm 35 and unmarried; can I get some Valium too?

Who are you calling arrogant? Why, I'll crush you like a citarette butt under the toe of my pointy, clickety shoes, you upitty little *%$&#@*

Ritalin: it used to help people be better parents. Then we figured out we could just give it to the kids. Whew.

Maybe because nobody ever helps her with the fucking dishes? Just a guess.

I know. We'll use a picture of creepy looking dolls with even more creepy looking feet to sell Butibel. That oughta do the trick.

It still hasn't occurred to me not to wear super tight and pointy slippers that cut off the circulation in my feet when I go to bed, so I use Placidyl to lull me to sleep.

Unfortunately Mabel and Bridget have destroyed their self-esteems by staring for too long into funhouse mirrors, so they need Butisol to calm their nerves.

God, I can't believe that fucking tranquilizer wore off and bathtime isn't even over yet.

I used to confuse unfamiliar feelings of relaxation with drowsiness, so I made up this creepy little mask game to help me remember the difference.

Some women experience symptoms of the menopause, while others don't. They all need Premarin.

If your kids are assholes and you have a hard time reading the newspaper while vacuuming you might need Serpasil.

Lifetime script for valium versus fear of being squashed by giant women...kind of a toss-up.

Wait! Don't throw yourself off that roof! Losing the symbol of your femininity isn't that bad. Just take Marplan.

When Gerald lost the will to stare at titties, his doctor prescribed Dexamyl, which helped him realize that his real problem was that his wife was just too plain and dowdy, in spite of her jaunty hats and matching accessories.

After spending hours applying cosmetics at her dressing table, Greta began to feel that she had developed a meaningful relationship with the creepy faceless dismembered head that held her wig. This plunged her into a deep depression, from which Benzedrine was the only thing to save her.

Yet another ad regarding the symptoms of "the menopause" which seems to have been written as a class project in ESL 101.

Stelazine cures stalkeritis.

While Thorazine appears to cure every ailment on the planet, your child probably won't stop puking as long as you insist on pushing his head down into the sink like that.

'Cause if there's anything a menopausal patient needs, it's management.

Because having a baby is one experience toward which you really should have a detached attitude.

And wearing a cute lil bonnet helps too.

Because people are different. Like they wear different hats and have different kinds of pets. And sometimes their hat doesn't match their coat, but other times it does. But all of them need help controlling their overweight and mood

Thorazine relieved Eileen's anxiety and fear, and she learned to disregard the ominous shadows that always seemed to be looming on the wall in front of her.

Because once a woman becomes useless in the eyes of her husband and son, it's time for her to "graduate."

It's OK. They've been sanitized in our patent-pending tapeworm sanitizing process.

OK, I'll give them this one. Beer actually does increase milk production...

After returning home from the asylum, Madge had trouble shaking the feeling that there was a giant hand lurking behind her. But every time she stopped mopping the floor to turn around and look, it disappeared.


And finally, a semi-serious one. I've gotten terrible coughs all my life, and at times codeine is the only thing that helps. Sadly, I was born too late to ever have codeine with cannabis extract prescribed for my coughs. The injustice of the universe in this regard is staggering.


  1. Lizzay3/28/2009

    Oh my God, that last one with the giant hand is so paternalistic and creepy. It's like "even after they go home you can still control them."

  2. Michael3/29/2009

    Is there anything Thorazine didn't cure?

  3. I'm glad to see that the tapeworms are easy to swallow. And they're described as "your friends for a fair form." Ha.

  4. Anonymous4/20/2009

    I've just had the best time reading this blog and your hilarious comments! Sadly, the medical profession has not changed much in regard to its treatment of women- only the names of the drugs have changed.

  5. Anonymous11/05/2010

    This list is great! I came across while searching for Pacatal. It was mentioned in a book I'm reading (Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety) and I'm cracking up at these ads.